


How to Make Friends (According to Merlahad)

by argento_capitani



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, Truth Serum, new neighbor shenanigans, retired!merlahad, with eggsy as their adopted son basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-02 16:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13322103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argento_capitani/pseuds/argento_capitani
Summary: Harry and Merlin have finally decided to settle down into retirement life, but when a new neighbor moves in next door, their Kingsman instincts kick in. Eggsy is amused, to say the least.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hepcatliz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hepcatliz/gifts).



> Written for [hepcatliz](http://hepcatliz.tumblr.com/) after she took a chance and bid on me for Fandom Trumps Hate 2017. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Un-betaed and self-britpicked. All mistakes are my own. I also have no idea where this would fit in canon, if at all, so do what you want with it.

“There’s something… different about him,” Harry commented.

Merlin hummed in agreement beside him.

They simultaneously took a sip of tea as they continued looking out from where they stood on their balcony.

The years had started catching up to the freshly-retired Kingsman couple. Although they were fit for men their age, the wrinkles in their faces had deepened and their joints and backs had started creaking more and more. They both agreed that it would be best to live out what years they had left while they still had each other rather than waiting for the inevitable dangers of Kingsman to catch up to them.

Their new next-door neighbor, Freddy, was sitting on his own balcony and simply taking in the scenery of the cityscape. The man was in his late thirties, dressed in slacks and a cozy jumper to combat the chilly spring weather with an ever-present neutral yet content expression on his face. He caught the men observing him and gave a genial smile, along with an awkward half-wave. Harry and Merlin nodded and smiled back, then turned towards each other.

“Well, he has been quite helpful,” Merlin said.

“Hm,” Harry replied. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of the whole situation.

Two weeks ago, Harry was struggling with carrying more groceries than usual (“It was a matter of the number of objects I was holding, not a lack of strength on my part,” Harry protested when he recounted the incident, miffed by Merlin’s teasing). He almost dropped a bottle of 1998 Cabernet Sauvignon before Freddy jogged up and caught it just in time, going on to help Harry with the rest of his burden while they exchanged introductions. As it turns out, Freddy had just moved to London from New Zealand three days ago after receiving a great job offer.

Harry thanked him after setting the goods down on the kitchen counter, and heard a shy, “Ah, it was no problem at all, mate.” When Harry turned around to properly face the man, Freddy was already gone.

A couple days later, Merlin was trying to fix the light on their front door’s entrance, but couldn’t reach the bulb. Freddy suddenly appeared with a step ladder and changed it for Merlin while making small talk, then left as quickly as he came.

Harry and Merlin found the Kiwi’s behavior somewhat charming, if a little odd. But every time they needed a handyman, whether it was a clogged sink or a computer issue, Freddy always knew how to fix it. It made them suspicious of him.

“How is he so adept at everything? Do you think he was sent to watch us?” Merlin asked, scrunching his greying eyebrows.

“He’s proven himself to be quite the upstanding gentleman,” Harry said instead of answering the question, “but we don’t know much about him and one can never be too careful.”

“I dunno, Harry. Freddy sounds like your average nice bloke. I think the two of you are just being paranoid,” said a voice from behind them.

Harry and Merlin turned to where Eggsy was sitting on one of their leather armchairs, the day’s issue of _The Sun_ covering his face while he sipped on his own cup of tea. He was wearing a navy blue Kingsman-issued suit which contrasted with his faded auburn hair. Even though his time with the spy organization made him hold himself with more poise and given him refined tastes, he was still Eggsy. When his mentors retired, he made it a habit to drop by whenever he could to keep the couple company and ask for both Kingsman-related and real-life advice.

Harry raised his eyebrows. “I beg your pardon?”

Eggsy lowered the newspaper with an amused smile. “Just think about it. He’s the new guy trying to fit into a place where he doesn’t know anyone, so he goes around helping everyone to make up for it. Doesn’t sound suspicious to me.”

Merlin adjusted his glasses. “That may be so, Eggsy, but—”

“And when was the last time you two had a friend?” Eggsy cut in, then added before they could protest, “A good, _normal_ friend who doesn’t know about Kingsman and sincerely believes you’re tailors?”

The older pair paused, wracking their brains as they stared at each other while Eggsy looked at them expectantly.

“Ah,” Harry said after the silence stretched a little too long. “I suppose you’re right.”

There was another pause before Merlin asked seriously, “So how do normal people... go about making friends then?”

Eggsy shrugged, lifting the newspaper again. “There are lots of different ways. I like going out for a pint or inviting people over for dinner. You know, something relaxing, comfortable, and socially acceptable.”

Harry tilted his head thoughtfully while Merlin stroked his chin.

“It has been a while since we’ve invited guests over for a proper dinner,” Harry admitted.

Merlin nodded. “And since he’ll be in our house, we’ll have the higher ground.”

Eggsy barely contained a snort of laughter before he set the newspaper down and flashed them a bright grin. “There we go! I’m telling you now, you’ll thank me for this later.”

“Perhaps,” Harry said, as Eggsy rose from the seat to say his farewell, “you’d like to join us for dinner as well, Eggsy. You already seem quite fond of Freddy even though you haven’t met him yet.”

“Oh, you know I would never turn down your cooking, Harry,” Eggsy said as he gave him a hug. “It’ll have to be after next Wednesday though. Got a mission in Argentina and I’m flying out tonight.”

“Of course,” Harry replied, glancing at Merlin to let him decide the date.

“Next Friday then,” Merlin stated when it was his turn for a hug, patting Eggsy soundly on the back. “Be careful over there.”

“Of course,” Eggsy echoed, adding a wink.

When Eggsy left, Harry turned to Merlin, who was sitting at his desk. “It feels like Eggsy just gave us a mission.”

Merlin seemed nonplussed and was already drafting a hand-written invite to give to Freddy. “Once a Kingsman, always a Kingsman,” he murmured.


	2. Chapter 2

Giving Freddy the invite was a straightforward affair. Freddy stopped by the retired couple’s house the next afternoon to drop off their post, which was accidentally sent to his place instead.

“You’re much too kind, Freddy,” Harry remarked with surprise. He then realized the opportunity given to him and quickly snatched the invite from the table next to the entrance.

“Merlin and I were hoping to see you, actually,” Harry said, presenting an elegant black and gold card with flowing script. “How about we trade?”

Freddy’s usual blank expression cleared as his eyes lit up with interest. “Oh, this is quite lovely,” he commented as they made their exchange. The card read:

 

_You are cordially invited to_

_A FRIENDLY, FORMAL DINNER_

_This Friday evening_

_6:30 pm – 9:30 pm_

_Mr. and Mr. Hart’s residence_

_Please kindly respond at your earliest convenience._

_XOXO_

 

(“Hugs and kisses, Merlin?” Harry questioned dubiously, as he peered over his husband’s shoulder.

“Shush,” Merlin shot back in irritation, still concentrating on his careful penmanship. “It’s what friends do, is it not? Exchange hugs and kisses?”

“I suppose I can’t argue with that logic. I myself find hugs and kisses enjoyable,” Harry replied before pecking a kiss on Merlin’s cheek as an apology.)

“Quite lovely,” Freddy repeated to himself as he looked up, a grin having made its way onto his face. “I’d be happy to come. Who else will be there?”

Harry brought his hands behind his back, rolling on the balls of his feet. “Oh, we wanted this to be more…” he tilted his head thoughtfully, “intimate… so that we’ll have the chance to get to know each other better. There will just one other person. A good friend of ours whose company you’ll very much enjoy.”

“It sounds great,” Freddy said, his Kiwi accent more pronounced now that he was speaking clearly. “Guess I better head off and brush the dust off my suit and tie.”

Harry nodded with a small smile. “We’ll see you Friday then.”

*****

Friday evening came, and Freddy arrived at Harry and Merlin’s doorstep wearing a checkered shirt and bowtie, along with a plate of homemade biscuits. As expected, Eggsy was delighted by the man’s baking skills, as well as by Freddy himself, and the two hit it off right away.

It wasn’t until they were a couple glasses of wine deep and digging into their filet mignon that Eggsy realized something was amiss.

“Could you state your full name, Freddy?” Merlin asked. Eggsy saw him not-so-discreetly look down at his lap. When Eggsy leaned over, he saw Merlin tapping away on a pad.

“Yea, it’s uh, Frederick Ridgewell Mervyn II,” Freddy said.

Eggsy looked back at Freddy and narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Freddy’s cheeks were flushed a bright red, which wasn’t very unusual considering the alcohol. But he was also constantly blinking, and his eyes were slightly glazed over even though he seemed fully aware of his surroundings.

“That’s quite the colorful name,” Harry commented. “I’m assuming it has a rich history?”

Freddy nodded, taking another sip of wine. “I was named after my… my great-great-grandfather. He was a Welsh duke. Then he moved to New Zealand for the women and the weather.”

“Haha, that’s the life, innit?” Eggsy said, laughing a little too loudly as he tried to figure out what Harry and Merlin were up to. “I bet you took after old Freddy and moved here for the same reasons.”

The whole table shared a chuckle at the remark. However, Merlin pushed forward.

“You’ve mentioned before that you moved here for a job offer. What’s your current occupation?”  

“I’m a software analyst,” Freddy said, setting down his silverware to motion with his hands. “I work for a geographic information systems company. Basically, we take business requirements from organizations and we, um, analyze those requirements, and then we build software to fit those business requirements.”

His answer was met with blank stares.

“Huh,” Eggsy said, breaking the silence. “It’s no wonder they need you here because I didn’t understand any of that.”

As they continued eating, the next fifteen minutes consisted of Merlin and Harry drilling Freddy with more questions pertaining to his family, travels, and hobbies before Harry leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers.

“Tell me, Freddy,” Harry began casually, although there was an undercurrent of impatience, “have you ever killed a man?”

Eggsy audibly choked on a mouthful of artichoke gratin and began coughing.

“Um, I don’t think I have,” replied Freddy without a care in the world. “Although, there was this one time—”

“I believe it’s almost time for dessert,” Eggsy wheezed as he desperately washed down the food with some wine. “You two can continue your, er, _riveting_ conversation while Merlin helps me check on the crème brûlées in the kitchen,” he shot Merlin a pointed look. “Won’t you now, Merlin?”

Eggsy quickly scooted his chair back as he stood up and stalked into the kitchen. Merlin followed at a more leisurely pace and was met with Eggsy’s back, his head bowed down and his hands on his hips. The younger man slowly turned around but didn’t look up.

“You drugged him, didn’t you?”

“Well, it wasn’t my idea,” Merlin replied lightly as he crossed his arms.

“Oh, piss off, Merlin,” Eggsy snapped as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “It might have been Harry’s idea but it happened with _your_ approval.” He sighed, eying Merlin with clear disproval. “This was supposed to be a nice dinner, _not_ a thinly-disguised interrogation topped off with some truth serum.”

“We just put a little bit in his wine to loosen him up,” Merlin said defensively. “Look, he’s having a good time and his memories will be intact. A small price to pay for trust.”

“Trust? You want to talk about _trust_?” Eggsy exclaimed as he threw his hands up. “You and Harry are retired spies who could snap his neck with your pinky!” He wildly pointed to the door that led to the dining room where Harry and Freddy were still engaged in a lively conversation. “Meanwhile, Freddy’s just a nice Kiwi who works the most boring job in the entire world and likes baking biscuits in his spare time! He’s completely harmless and you don’t need truth serum to know that!”

He heaved a couple breaths to calm down and glared at Merlin, who now looked sufficiently chastised.

Merlin took his own breath, then stood tall and looked Eggsy in the eye. “I’m sorry, Eggsy,” Merlin stated softly. “You’re right. Freddy’s a good man, and we shouldn’t have done that to that to him.”

“Good.” Eggsy turned to the kitchen counter where the crème brûlées were set out, then chuckled and started shaking his head. “I get it though. Once a Kingsman, always a Kingsman, eh, Merlin?”

“Indeed.”

Eggsy clapped his hands together with renewed vigor. “All right, let’s torch some sugar then.”

A couple minutes later, Merlin and Eggsy reemerged from the kitchen holding trays of crèmebrûlées, Freddy’s biscuits, and a tea set. Once they set everything out, Eggsy hurriedly confiscated Freddy’s wine and replaced it with a sizable glass of water while Merlin whispered his conversation with Eggsy to Harry, resulting in a sheepish expression and an understanding nod.

The rest of the evening pleasantly passed without further incident and with many laughs. The glaze over Freddy’s eyes eventually cleared, but the blushed cheeks and the talkative nature he’d gained in the last few hours remained as he enthusiastically recounted the time he and his good mate Steve accidentally ran over a sheep.

When it was time for Freddy to leave, he took turns wrapping each of the three of them in a bear hug.

“It was lovely to meet you,” he said as he hugged Eggsy.

“Same to you, mate,” Eggsy responded with a grin as he smacked Freddy on the back. “I’m sure we’ll see each other again.”

“Thank you for inviting me into your home,” Freddy said as he hugged Harry and Merlin at the same time. “The food was absolutely delicious and I’m so glad I was able to find good friends right next door.”

The couple were taken aback by Freddy's “good friends.”

“Erm,” Harry said, patting Freddy awkwardly. “Of course, Freddy. We’d love to have you over again. That’s what… friends are for.”

“Thank you so much for the biscuits,” Merlin said with more confidence than his husband. “You’ll have to share the recipe with me some time.”

When they finally waved goodbye as Freddy walked the twenty feet to his own home, Eggsy shut the door and faced Harry and Merlin, both of whom quickly looked at their feet in embarrassment.

“Now what did we learn today?”

“Freddy’s a very nice person,” Harry muttered.

“And we shouldn’t drug our friends,” Merlin added.

Eggsy shook his head and rolled his eyes, although he snorted in amusement. “The trouble you two get into. Honestly, you’re too perfect for each other.”

He ambled over to the coat rack and shrugged his trench coat on. “Well, now that you’ve succeeded in making your first post-retirement friend,” he grabbed his umbrella and gave them a pointed look, “don’t do that again or I’ll have to report it and revoke your access to Kingsman tech.”

Harry and Merlin simultaneously brought their hands behind their back.

“That’s fair,” Merlin commented.

“Naturally,” Harry said.

However, their smiles were quite smug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to come say hi on [tumblr](http://argento-capitani.tumblr.com/)!


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